


5 Times Phil Regretted Breaking Up With Clint And The Time He Didn't

by EarthsSassiestHeroes



Series: Amerihawk: 5 Times [3]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 19:23:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthsSassiestHeroes/pseuds/EarthsSassiestHeroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A continuation of the first part of this series. Phil breaks it off with Clint because he can't ask Clint to quit The Avengers. He regrets making that choice for a long time until he realizes he might have been right after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times Phil Regretted Breaking Up With Clint And The Time He Didn't

  
Office

He’d practice what he would say in the mirror. Went over it in his head countless times. Debated whether it was better to be brusk or kind, soft or cruel. But nothing could have prepared him for the look of devastation in Clint’s eyes when he said those words.

“I can’t do this.” If Phil was ripping out Clint’s heart, then he was watching the man he loved die a slow painful death. He kept repeating in his head the reasons why. He loved Clint. But he couldn’t deal with a life where every time the phone rang it could be the call that Clint was dead. He couldn’t live a life where Clint grew to hate him with every fiber of his being for making him give up the one thing he loved more then Phil.

He looked Clint in the eye and gave his reasons. It was a thousand times worse than the cold of Loki’s blade in his chest. He fights back tears threatening to pour down his face as he leans down and gives Clint a soft kiss on the top of his head. The smell of him nearly breaking Phil’s resolve. When he stood in the door to leave he almost broke.

“I love you,” the words quiet and pleading. He couldn’t tell him he loved him back. He knew that if he did he’d be on his knees begging Clint to forgive him. To take it back. Just forget it had ever happened. But he couldn’t do that. He needed to be stronger now than he ever may have needed to be in his life.

“I’m sorry.” His voice betraying him. He couldn’t turn to look at the younger man. He couldn’t let his last memory of this night to be of Clint broken and crying. Looking at him, begging him not to leave.

It wasn’t until he was in his car driving back to his apartment that he broke. He pulled onto a deserted side street, parking his car as he was wracked with tears. He called Clint’s name. His sobs broken by repeated “I love you”s and pained cries of “I’m so sorry.” The only thing more crushing than the ache in his soul was the absolute guilt he felt. Guilt he had broken Clint’s heart. That he’d loved him in the first place. That he hadn’t realized sooner that he couldn’t do this. That he’d come back from the dead just to leave Clint. Regret flooded through him until he was numb and exhausted. He pulled back off the side street and headed back towards headquarters. He slept in his office for  a week before going back to his apartment. He couldn’t face the smell of Clint on his sheets. He felt a twinge of sadness every time he looked at the chair Clint had sat crying in.

 

Apartment

 

He tossed his keys in the bowl by the door, heading to the kitchen to put the gin he’d bought in the freezer. When he closed the freezer door Natasha was looking back at him.   
“SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!” He screamed, taking a step back. “Romanoff how the fuck did you manage to sneak up on me like that?”

“Do I need to answer that question Phil,” her eyebrow arched as she coldly stared him in the eye. She never called him Phil.

“What happened?” He asked trying not to sound as concerned as he was.

“You happened you son of a bitch,” Natasha’s words dripping with an icy disdain.

“If we are gonna do this can we atleast have a drink?” Phil sighed opening the freezer again and grabbing the gin. Not waiting for her reply as he opened it, grabbing two glasses and some ice.

“I thought about killing you,” she said with a quietness that stopped Phil cold in his tracks. “But I realized they’d know. And I couldn’t leave Clint alone. I’m the closest thing to family he has left now.” Phil sighed moving to the fridge to grab the tonic. With anyone else he’d assume they were joking. But he knew her far too well to make that mistake.

“Say what you’re gonna say Romanoff.” His voice exhausted.

“How could you do this to him? You know what we do every day. You never should have let him fall for you if you were gonna be a god damn pussy.” She snarled as she accepted the gin and tonic he offered her.

“Hindsight is 20-20. I won’t bother explaining to you my reasoning because I doubt you’d give a fuck.” He down his drink in one long take before fixing himself another.

“You leave him alone from now on.” Her voice quiet, her intent obvious.

“I already filed for reassignment with Fury. I wouldn’t put him through that.” Phil sighed sipping his drink.

“I meant you don’t get to give in when he calls you drunk or shows up at your door. You dug your own grave on this one. You don’t get to give him hope.” There was a hint of disgust in her words as she set her empty glass down on the counter.

“I’ll do my best,” Phil replied sarcastically. He move to pour her another drink and when he turned around she was gone.

 

Phone Call

 

Phil wakes up to the sound of his phone quietly vibrating against the nightstand. He checks it and see’s Clint’s name. His picture in the background and before he knows what he’s doing he’s answering the call.

“Clint?” He tries to sound like he isn’t happy to hear from him.

“Phil!” Clint’s voice soft and his words drawn out slurred slightly.

“You’re drunk Barton.” Phil sided rubbing the bridge of his nose with his finger and thumb.

“I probably wouldn’t have the guts to say this otherwise,” Clint said trying to sound serious but his drunkenness was working against him.

“What do you want?” Phil said sighing, hoping to come off as put upon instead of longing for him.

“I want you. I know you said you couldn’t do this and all that shit. But it’s ok. I won’t be mad, I’ll leave the team. The only thing that matters is you.” Clint said melancholy in every word.

“You know that won’t work Clint,” Phil replied sternly, a single tear falling down his cheek. “Listen I’ve got to get back to bed I’ve got a briefing in the..”

“I just... I know... Look I told you, none of it matters.” Clint said with desperation.

“Clint please, let’s not do this.” Phil pleaded. Clint was crying, his soft sobs audible over the music in the background.

“All that matters to me is you!”

“I’ve gotta go Clint. Please don’t call me again.” Phil said over the sound of Clint’s protests. He fought back sobs. He kept thinking about how this was what was best. That love wasn’t supposed to be like this. He barely slept. Everytime he managed to drift off he’d wake up to dreams of Clint.

 

Office II

 

“What can I do for you Captain?” Phil asked looking up from his paperwork with a smile.

“I was hoping we could talk about something. I figured it would be better if you heard it from me rather than if it gets around.” Steve said softly with a diplomatic tone that concerned Phil.

“Please have a seat,” Phil gestured to a chair as Steve closed the door almost completely behind him.

“It’s about Clint,” Steve’s voice sounded concerned and he chose his words carefully. Phil’s stomach dropped at the words.

“What happened?” Phil asked bracing himself for the news he had always dreaded.

“He and I,” Steve paused looking down before meeting Phil’s eyes. “He and I have been seeing each other.” There was a small pause as Phil stared in disbelief. “Romantically, for a while now. And I know if I were in your position I’d rather hear from someone first hand instead of tawdry gossip.”

“What the fuck Rogers!” Coulson shouted. He felt as if the world had started to slowly spin.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t yell Coulson,” Steve’s voice calm and courteous.

“I’d appreciate it if you weren’t FUCKING Clint!” Coulson’s words a stage whisper filled with anger.

“I never said... Coulson I don’t care to discuss the details of what goes on between he and I in private.” Steve said looking him dead in the eye. A hint of fire and protectiveness.

“We work for a shadowy organization of spies, assassins and super heroes, there is no such thing as ‘private’” His fingers forming quotes around private.

Steve sighed. “Phil, I think you forfeit any right to having an opinion when you tore his still beating heart from his chest.” He looked Phil square in the eye. His look was that of someone who wanted nothing more than happiness for the person they loved. Phil could feel his stomach dropping. The room feeling off balance.

“Do you love him?” Phil asked quietly afraid of the answer.

“I love him in a way I never thought I’d love anyone ever again Phil,” Steve looked at him with a resolute sincerity that Phil had once had when telling Nick Fury he was involved with a subordinate.

“Then don’t make the same mistake I did Rogers.”

When Steve left Phil punched the wall so hard he needed 10 stiches and wore a brace for over a month while the bones healed.

 

Hallway

 

Phil hadn’t thought about Clint in over two weeks when he saw him holding Steve’s hand walking down the hall towards Maria’s office. They were talking to one another as they walked. Clint had a big smile on his face. His eyes sparkling as he glanced up at Steve. Steve’s thumb was rubbing on the back of Clint’s hand. Coulson had to stop himself from gawking. When they saw him, Steve leaned down and whispered in Clint’s ear. He could see Clint gesture in a way that he would when he felt he was being babied. As they approached one another, Phil offered a cordial greeting.

“Afternoon Captain, Barton.” nodding but not quite making eye contact.

“Agent,” came Steve’s curt reply.

“Hi Phil,” Clint said with a soft smile. Gone was the sadness Phil could recall as if it was only yesterday. Once he was down the hall and around the corner Phil paused for a moment. Clint was happy and in love. It was what he’d wanted, what he felt he could give him anymore. But then why did he still feel that all too familiar ache in his gut.

 

New Year’s Party

 

“Enjoying the party Phil?” Pepper smiled offering him a champagne glass.

“Very much. I don’t know how you manage to run a company so large and manage to throw such great events in your down time.” Phil smiled taking a sip of the bubbly liquid.

“That’s the key Phil, I don’t have downtime,” she grinned before excusing herself and making another walk around the party greeting guests.

“Coulson,” Natasha’s voice came from behind him. Phil stifled the urge to jump.

“Romanoff. How is work treating you?” His voice courteous but strained.

“You get a lot more down time once you save New York from aliens.” She replied with a wink taking a sip of what appeared to be vodka.

“How is the rest of the team?” His eyes scanning the party.

“Clint is good. He’s happy.” She said as their eyes both fell on Steve and Clint on the dancefloor. Steve was in a grey suit and Clint in a crisp button down and dark slacks. They were slowly swaying to the string music. Their hands clasped as Steve lead, his other hand resting on the small of Clint’s back. Clint’s hand rested on Steve’s chest. A look of simple contentedness across his face.

“Steve gets it.” She said quietly. “I understand why you ended it. Now that the dust has settled, I do get it.”

“I think this is the first time I’ve seen him and it hasn’t hurt even just a little.” He said quietly, grabbing another glass from one of the many waiters.

“Steve is good for him. He knows one day Clint might not make it out of a mission. But he’d also die for him without hesitation. I think some day soon he might be able to be your friend.” Her smile growing bigger.

“I think that might be nice,” He said smiling with her.

And at Midnight when the countdown ended and he noticed in the distance the two men sharing a soft loving kiss he didn’t regret leaving Clint. He realized it wasn’t a mistake. He could never give Clint the devotion he deserved. And when Steve proposed, Phil was the first to pull Clint into a strong hug. “I’m so happy for you Clint.”


End file.
